Okay so lets try blogging again..

I'm revisiting this long forgotten blog site I started about 5 years ago. I've always felt I've had so much to say and then when I start it just goes away.  Wow what a beautiful thing to find out here floating in web land. I'm reading these few posts as a completely different human. I feel so much love and compassion for that person 5 years ago, gosh even just for who I was last night.

I'm a little awakened I have to say. Sleeping away 20 plus years of your life is actually quite exhausting.

 I was alone a lot as a child and sometimes my play dates existed while I lay in my bed, day dreaming of boys and adventures, I would actually have physical manifestations in my body of joy and happiness. Sometimes I could make the dreams into reality if I obsessed over and believed in it so wholeheartedly. This isn't exactly how I'd choose to relive my childhood but certain aspects of this little ritual have been missing.

What if I put all of my energy and beliefs into an idea while I was awake? Oh my God! Just saying this in my head right now lights this fire inside of my gut. What if I manifest these feelings of joy and happiness within my body and go out into the world with my eyes and my heart open? In my awakened state I'm starting to figure out that as kids we dream and hope and everything is magic and as adults, this truth in life, fades away.

 Magic is real people. I'm starting to convince myself of this everyday. The love and hope I feel means something. It's not lost in the void. It reverberates through this universe connecting us all and most importantly connecting myself. I'm awake.

Layers of your life start to build up and can weigh a lot! Especially when there's a doughnut shop around the corner. I figure every now and then i'll take a razor blade and cut some of the newer layers away to get down to the older, rotting kind. You know, give them a little air. Surprisingly, once the old stuff gets a peek at what's happening today, you realize it's not that much different from the new stuff.

Standing out in a crowd could be really great. I've been in a crowd several times in my life with the small desire and hope that someone who means something will notice me. It's never happened and being 32 years of age I don't think it ever will. Coming to except the fact that I blend in and being okay with this revelation has been a process. I'm just like everybody else and this is actually a calming reality. I can just be me; quiet, reserved, always say the wrong thing, caring and compassionate and all the "somebody's" won't even glance my way. I'm left with myself and my own judgements to carry me above the crowd and hopefully I'll be paying attention.

Introductions

In a quest for motivation and self preservation before I slowly waste away physically, mentally and emotionally (daytime T.V.), I have decided to bore all of you with my life. I have just moved back to the birthplace of San Diego, CA after a 10 year life in Denver, CO. At 32 I finally have a degree, a few trips to Europe under my belt and I'm very nice (except to my husband).

Camrose Circle is the perfect place to start my journey. A cul de sac I grew up on surrounded by cement walls and Brookhurst St. I rarely escaped the black concrete or cracked cement driveway in front of my house. My best friends lived 5 houses down and the weird boy child across the street kept me entertained. Though I'm so far from those days, I seem to be stuck there. Being afraid of what's outside my doors or around the corner; trembling with the thought of anyone's disapproval, judgement or my own worst fear, success and its' commitment.

I'm discovering that safe in all of its' meaning is not necessarily a positive state of being. It creates fear based thinking, hesitation to live and a stagnant, naive existence.