I'm doing some stuff right now. It's all good. I'm working and moving forward. Well, I'm moving inward which apparently propels you forward. Who knew? I'm doing this for myself so that I can be better for others around me. I want to be here and be worthwhile, so I am. I'm meditating, being with myself, making videos ( I'm not sure about those yet) journaling and doing brain heart and soul exercises and I'm here blogging. Blogging has taken a hit due to the fact I'm doing all of this other stuff. I feel like I'm just repeating myself if I use all of my tools. When I write I want to write something authentic. When I speak into the camera I want it to be fresh and alive not rehearsed and patterned. I'm holding some stuff about all of this. I don't feel like I'm doing enough. I'm not documenting my transformation enough. I'm not sharing enough to make others feel interested or inspired. Counterintuitive, right?
I'm working through this by visiting my blog and writing about this. I'm going to sit here and give myself permission to think about this crap I'm holding onto and try to let it go, by writing on here and expressing how I feel. I think this will unblock the feeling of being overwhelmed when it comes to the many avenues I'm using to share feel and be. I don't speak all that great into the camera. I definitely have more things to say when I write. I'm again reminded that this space is important to me. If I continue to visit here and be myself I think the ideas and the voice I'm trying to create will become clear. I'm going to stop giving myself so many rules about how to express myself. I'm really only talking to myself so what do I care if it's about this subject and then in ten minutes it's about my puppy and how God sent her to me to keep my alive and alert and awake every day. I'll write about that tomorrow!
Friday, April 25, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
2008
2008 was my last year in college. The last class I took was Art Thesis. It was a laborious and stressful class for me. So much information was jam-packed at the end of my paid for education on how to be an artist. The emphasis of this class was an art show at the end of the semester that we put on, presented and represented ourselves. Super cool. We had also entered this class with the idea of what we were going to show and most of us had the work started. We also were presented with the idea of a thesis statement which was the highlighted purpose of this class. The instructor Jennifer Garner was amazing though I felt like she hated me the whole time. She was a director of an amazing gallery and also an alumni of Metro State College of Denver.
What does your art mean? What is the political and social movement you are embodying with your art? What do you lead the viewer to believe? What moments in history are you reliving through your expressive representations?
Ummmm. I will reiterate that we either had already started the bodies of work, or some people hadn't even started at all.
Every class we worked on this 1 page explanation of who we are as artists and how this canvas or sculpture represented a certain definition or explanation. The words were criticized and narrowed down rewritten and read allowed daily. Some people had 10 pages that flowed out of them so effortlessly and had to work hard at cutting it down to 3 paragraphs and say everything they wanted to say. I remember this one artist Caroline whose work was so poignant and mature. She's now a working artist in LA, I've stalked her. She had such depth and a political stance. Her life and childhood sounded like that of an artist. She had a huge resume and she was at least 7 years younger than I. It was intimidating.
Others like me, struggled to write anything at all "Its' pretty...?" My girlfriend hadn't even started her paintings. ( Hers were one of the two artists that sold anything at the show)
I'm writing this because 1. I'm procrastinating again and not painting 2. This class really is one of the reasons why it's so hard for me to just paint.
I'm always searching for a reason. A stance, depth, subject matter. I worry so much about it that I actually talk myself out of painting.
When I started taking painting classes I had never really painted before. I remember the fire I felt when I completed my first one. I think it was a monotone acrylic of a man smoking a cigar??? ( I was really making a statement on how the penis in American culture is represented in marketing and social media as a symbol of hierarchical advancement of the male and his ability to wave it in the face of the substandard female with no repercussions.)
I was so proud of myself after that painting. I think I hung it up in the bathroom for a while. I couldn't wait for our next assignment.
I had always been an artist since I was little. I come from an artist family. All of my siblings are ridiculously talented. I just hadn't been given any direction. I'd taken a few classes before Metro in my early 20's. Life drawing and all the art prerequisites before they allowed you to take painting. But ah the color is what did if for me.
The brushes, the canvas, the different layers. How you orchestrate the painting with the different colors. I had the rules of color and composition and nothing else. The subject matter could be anything. We weren't told what to paint just guidelines on how to paint. I was so free. I was getting really good critiques. I was having fun. I found my passion.
Where did this go? This Thesis class fucked me up! We were spoon fed the real art world. What it takes to make it. How to dot all of your I's and cross all of your T's. Basically if you don't do all of this crap you'll never make it. What in the hell kind of message is this? I'm pretty sure Monet wasn't standing in his garden capturing the light throughout the day on his canvasses to impress some art buyer. He was intuitively just being an artist and painting what he loved.
I know that this' all just an excuse. But I need to get it off of my chest. I'm the one not doing it and letting my brain get in the way.
My niece is in art school as well and just switched her major to graphic design. This is the exact reason she switched. She was questioning herself too much and felt the bullshit right off the bat. "Can't I just make something pretty?" YES!! Its' pretty and most likely someone will buy it for that really simpleton non complex reason.
And honestly so much of it is so over my head why do I even care. It's relevant because someone else said that it is. Relevancy is potent when it's relevant to you. When you genuinely connect with a piece and resonate with what the artist is trying to convey. I love when you see something and your whole body reacts. Goosebumps and a racing heart are a sure sign of something really meaty and beautiful.
The first initial reaction from art is aesthetic. It's color, composition, spatial relativity. The emotion and depth comes after sitting with a piece for a while. And if you don't "get it," you can just read the thesis statement.
Make what you LOVE. BE WHO YOU ARE.
Cigar series coming soon!!!
What does your art mean? What is the political and social movement you are embodying with your art? What do you lead the viewer to believe? What moments in history are you reliving through your expressive representations?
Ummmm. I will reiterate that we either had already started the bodies of work, or some people hadn't even started at all.
Every class we worked on this 1 page explanation of who we are as artists and how this canvas or sculpture represented a certain definition or explanation. The words were criticized and narrowed down rewritten and read allowed daily. Some people had 10 pages that flowed out of them so effortlessly and had to work hard at cutting it down to 3 paragraphs and say everything they wanted to say. I remember this one artist Caroline whose work was so poignant and mature. She's now a working artist in LA, I've stalked her. She had such depth and a political stance. Her life and childhood sounded like that of an artist. She had a huge resume and she was at least 7 years younger than I. It was intimidating.
Others like me, struggled to write anything at all "Its' pretty...?" My girlfriend hadn't even started her paintings. ( Hers were one of the two artists that sold anything at the show)
I'm writing this because 1. I'm procrastinating again and not painting 2. This class really is one of the reasons why it's so hard for me to just paint.
I'm always searching for a reason. A stance, depth, subject matter. I worry so much about it that I actually talk myself out of painting.
When I started taking painting classes I had never really painted before. I remember the fire I felt when I completed my first one. I think it was a monotone acrylic of a man smoking a cigar??? ( I was really making a statement on how the penis in American culture is represented in marketing and social media as a symbol of hierarchical advancement of the male and his ability to wave it in the face of the substandard female with no repercussions.)
I was so proud of myself after that painting. I think I hung it up in the bathroom for a while. I couldn't wait for our next assignment.
I had always been an artist since I was little. I come from an artist family. All of my siblings are ridiculously talented. I just hadn't been given any direction. I'd taken a few classes before Metro in my early 20's. Life drawing and all the art prerequisites before they allowed you to take painting. But ah the color is what did if for me.
The brushes, the canvas, the different layers. How you orchestrate the painting with the different colors. I had the rules of color and composition and nothing else. The subject matter could be anything. We weren't told what to paint just guidelines on how to paint. I was so free. I was getting really good critiques. I was having fun. I found my passion.
Where did this go? This Thesis class fucked me up! We were spoon fed the real art world. What it takes to make it. How to dot all of your I's and cross all of your T's. Basically if you don't do all of this crap you'll never make it. What in the hell kind of message is this? I'm pretty sure Monet wasn't standing in his garden capturing the light throughout the day on his canvasses to impress some art buyer. He was intuitively just being an artist and painting what he loved.
I know that this' all just an excuse. But I need to get it off of my chest. I'm the one not doing it and letting my brain get in the way.
My niece is in art school as well and just switched her major to graphic design. This is the exact reason she switched. She was questioning herself too much and felt the bullshit right off the bat. "Can't I just make something pretty?" YES!! Its' pretty and most likely someone will buy it for that really simpleton non complex reason.
And honestly so much of it is so over my head why do I even care. It's relevant because someone else said that it is. Relevancy is potent when it's relevant to you. When you genuinely connect with a piece and resonate with what the artist is trying to convey. I love when you see something and your whole body reacts. Goosebumps and a racing heart are a sure sign of something really meaty and beautiful.
The first initial reaction from art is aesthetic. It's color, composition, spatial relativity. The emotion and depth comes after sitting with a piece for a while. And if you don't "get it," you can just read the thesis statement.
Make what you LOVE. BE WHO YOU ARE.
Cigar series coming soon!!!
Monday, March 17, 2014
6
Spend a day with a 6 year old.
Today we grew an enchanted forest and cloud garden. The gnomes live in the giant Oak tree where the stairs lead to various rooms, which gnomes require, like a bathroom and bedroom with a telephone. Molly and Holly are sister gnomes but Holly is very shy and keeps to herself. The good witch gnome lives on the lower tree level and grants every wish you make. She always say's "YES!". Notice the gnomes swinging on the tire swings and slides to the left. Way above the Oak trees branches, in the clouds is the fairy garden. The fairies and gnomes are great friends. They hang out.
6 year olds don't care. They just do stuff and it all just flows through them.
77
Just got back from lunch with my Dad. He turned 77 today. My Dad is a very mellow kind of dude that doesn't say much but listens very intently. He has a sense of adventure that is at a slow pace and melds with the flow in nature. He enjoys life, being around his family and just doing his thing.
I look at both of my parents so differently now. I see myself in them when before I'll I could do is see how I'm nothing like them. It's been a lifetime of puzzles trying to put the pieces together of who I inherited this trait from and who I look like most. I'm feeling pretty complete with this puzzle. It's so nice to know that I come from them and then, just be here. I'm so lucky to have them in my life.
I flow nicely with my Dad. I love him and how he is. It's such a familiar feeling within myself. It's so deep and connected when I accept and allow us to just be who we are. I myself act 77 most of the time so it makes sense we get along. I'm pretty close to the hearing aid as well, which is exciting because I'm pretty sure when you are 77, you have it mostly figured out.
I look at both of my parents so differently now. I see myself in them when before I'll I could do is see how I'm nothing like them. It's been a lifetime of puzzles trying to put the pieces together of who I inherited this trait from and who I look like most. I'm feeling pretty complete with this puzzle. It's so nice to know that I come from them and then, just be here. I'm so lucky to have them in my life.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
What do you want to be when you grow up?
"I want to be an artist!" I recall saying this very young.
I also went to art school.
I also do many creative things like paint, bake cakes make random weird shit because it's cheaper and cooler then buying it in the store.
But I recently have said out loud "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up!"
Ummm, newsflash Heather you are grown up and you just are. There's this misconception that in order to "be" what you're meant to be, you make money at it and it's your "career". The reality is you just grow up to be you, but older.
I've always been an artist, creator and inspired person, since I was tiny. I've always been loving a bit shy and I think funny.
It's hilarious to me that It's taking me this long to realize this. It's not rocket science, it doesn't cost thousands of dollars or years and years of an education to be yourself. This is just what is. How I make money does not define me or label who I am. It just sort of happened.
I think I'll just keep being me.
( the girl who does not make her bed)
I also went to art school.
I also do many creative things like paint, bake cakes make random weird shit because it's cheaper and cooler then buying it in the store.
But I recently have said out loud "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up!"
Ummm, newsflash Heather you are grown up and you just are. There's this misconception that in order to "be" what you're meant to be, you make money at it and it's your "career". The reality is you just grow up to be you, but older.
I've always been an artist, creator and inspired person, since I was tiny. I've always been loving a bit shy and I think funny.
It's hilarious to me that It's taking me this long to realize this. It's not rocket science, it doesn't cost thousands of dollars or years and years of an education to be yourself. This is just what is. How I make money does not define me or label who I am. It just sort of happened.
I think I'll just keep being me.
( the girl who does not make her bed)
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Women
Thank you God for Women! Our complicated self fulfilling sense of being is so powerful! We are here to inspire, find the good and hold the heavy burdens with love and compassion. Women smooth the edges of this world with maternal indignation and relentless intuition.
My community of women is some strong shit. Watch out. I am surrounded by the strongest most amazing varieties. Life right now is all about "You are what you love, not what loves you" (Thank you Kyle Cease).
This saying is what I'm breathing at the moment. It has literally opened my eyes to see how incredible my life is. These women I love and surround myself with, are me.
Coming into my late thirties, women in my life are aging as well. We've all grown together. We're all learning and expanding. I believe we hold a secret to life; to be able to connect so deeply and trust each other so fully. My Mothers my sisters my soul sisters my best friends. I'm proud of who we've become and continue to be as this messy world soars forward.
(I just looked up the word indignation in the dictionary because it just kind of came out me when I was typing. I feel a sense of relief it means exactly what I wanted it to mean.)
Monday, March 3, 2014
Okay so lets try blogging again..
I'm revisiting this long forgotten blog site I started about 5 years ago. I've always felt I've had so much to say and then when I start it just goes away. Wow what a beautiful thing to find out here floating in web land. I'm reading these few posts as a completely different human. I feel so much love and compassion for that person 5 years ago, gosh even just for who I was last night.
I'm a little awakened I have to say. Sleeping away 20 plus years of your life is actually quite exhausting.
I was alone a lot as a child and sometimes my play dates existed while I lay in my bed, day dreaming of boys and adventures, I would actually have physical manifestations in my body of joy and happiness. Sometimes I could make the dreams into reality if I obsessed over and believed in it so wholeheartedly. This isn't exactly how I'd choose to relive my childhood but certain aspects of this little ritual have been missing.
What if I put all of my energy and beliefs into an idea while I was awake? Oh my God! Just saying this in my head right now lights this fire inside of my gut. What if I manifest these feelings of joy and happiness within my body and go out into the world with my eyes and my heart open? In my awakened state I'm starting to figure out that as kids we dream and hope and everything is magic and as adults, this truth in life, fades away.
Magic is real people. I'm starting to convince myself of this everyday. The love and hope I feel means something. It's not lost in the void. It reverberates through this universe connecting us all and most importantly connecting myself. I'm awake.
I'm a little awakened I have to say. Sleeping away 20 plus years of your life is actually quite exhausting.
I was alone a lot as a child and sometimes my play dates existed while I lay in my bed, day dreaming of boys and adventures, I would actually have physical manifestations in my body of joy and happiness. Sometimes I could make the dreams into reality if I obsessed over and believed in it so wholeheartedly. This isn't exactly how I'd choose to relive my childhood but certain aspects of this little ritual have been missing.
What if I put all of my energy and beliefs into an idea while I was awake? Oh my God! Just saying this in my head right now lights this fire inside of my gut. What if I manifest these feelings of joy and happiness within my body and go out into the world with my eyes and my heart open? In my awakened state I'm starting to figure out that as kids we dream and hope and everything is magic and as adults, this truth in life, fades away.
Magic is real people. I'm starting to convince myself of this everyday. The love and hope I feel means something. It's not lost in the void. It reverberates through this universe connecting us all and most importantly connecting myself. I'm awake.
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